It's been a while since I've been updating now. I don't know why. Everything is a strain. I just want to sleep, but I can't sleep. If I want to sleep I have to take my pills. I hate this. I want to escape from my life, from the reality. But I can't. Everything is so hard! God, I sound like a weakling.

I have to see my psychiatrist three times a week now. She says she is so worried about me. As if! It's just a job. WHen I had a session whit her aon Friday she started to cry. She said all the time "I relly care about u Nemi. I'm very close to u." Screw her!

She gave me this paper last time, there she wrote many positive things. She said I have to take a look at it when I want to cut myself. It's so stereotype! I can't do that because I know it isn't true. Everytime I look at it I think about principle of 'just who do you think you are'.

I went to this party last night. It was awfull. Just a lot of people staring at me. I heard some was slander me. "Look at that skinny girl" Do u know who that is? She looks so sick" Poor girl, she has to be anorexic" Why can't people what for them self, and not fuss about everybody else? When I heeard all this I started to drink. I sponge on everybody. I had four alcopops, 4 shot with tequila Gold and five shot with Hot'N'Sweet. I was so drunk. I got totally blackout. The last thing I remember were people talking about that they can't give me so much to drink. They said "look at her. With that weak body she can't drink much before she's drunk" *lol* And they were right.

Anyway, been cutting again lately. I had to go to the casualty clinic on Friday to sew my arm. 24 stitches. Why do I do this!

I want to go to bed now. Try to get some sleep. Will try to uptade later.

Take care!

before - after

© Nemi 2002/2003